Thinkin' 'bout stuff

A boisterous late-night HELLO to my dear real and imagined readers!  What a treat it is to read blogs and participate in them.  Facebook is fun 'n all (I really am in an apostrophic mood), but I like the reined-in intimacy that this mode of communication provides.

I am so inspired by the people around me and on the Web who seek to live awake, on purpose, and with joy.

The particular flavor of joy I've been feeling of late is the type that belongs more in the subdued joy category than the crazy, colorful joy category.

I joyfully accept that.  I like neutral colors, too.  And we're in that neutral, Thanksgiving-y joy season.  Reflective joy.

Here are some of my neutral, subdued, reflective joys:  my family, the four of us and our extended family; birthday parties in churches; my-sister's-just-become-an-art-therapist parties (love those!); a gazania plant that continues to open and close in the sun; yellow maple leaves on the windshield of the car across the street and the neighbor boy wearing Anna's hat; Anthony Bourdain; John Taylor Gatto; the Renaissance Soul idea; the fact that I am bearing witness to the people my kids are becoming; sermons delivered by a two-year-old, a four-year-old, and an almost-nine-year-old in an empty church sanctuary this morning; the powerful knowledge that I can ask.for.help.; vegan cookbooks and all manner of cookbooks; a row of knitting here and there; preparations for an Advent spiral; a working dishwasher; love, love, love; health; delicious food; fondue, sausage, chicken burritos, green smoothies, roasted nuts, mangoes, sweet potatoes, chocolate chip cookies...help me!

Amen.  And goodnight!

vows to self and life

This 30 Day Vegan experience has been a good one for me.  How I have marveled at the plant realm's ability to nourish me, many days exclusively.  I have not kept a vegan diet 100% of the time, and I have not felt compelled to.

What I have done is discover that, at 40 and at this stage in my life, I am much opener to dietary changes than I was ten or fifteen years ago.  I am now more curious:  how does dairy affect my health?  What does my body feel like while eating wheat?  Meat? 

Sugar...that's a different topic, maybe one I'll explore later on this year.  Who knows?

For now, I joyfully keep a vow to remain plant-centered in my eating.  I crave beef and fish, and enjoy eating those meats.  I listen to my body and what it asks for.  What an amazing experience!

What I've been surprised by is that avocados, raw cashews, maple syrup, kale, sweet potatoes, coconut milk and oil, dark or semi-sweet chocolate, bananas, artichokes, blueberries, almonds, and many other things are more than luxurious enough to get me through the day. 

I give thanks for the grass-fed hamburger I've been privileged to enjoy, the free-range eggs that are on their way to me, and the plants that are the center of my sustenance.

In the midst of all the toddler-care, homeschooling and family responsibilities, I took the opportunity to make and share a delicious vegan soup on Saturday.  As Heather shared with the other retreatants on Saturday, soup-making and, of course, all cooking, can be a spiritual discipline.

Not only that, our very lives depend on our cooking and food preparation.  I sense this in a deeper way now than I used to.  The necessity of chopping so many fruits and vegetables has attuned me to that.

I was asked Saturday evening if I was sad to return from the conference I attended last week.  "Was it hard to come home [to reality]?"

I guess the vow I am and have been making is one (many) to use ritual, daily habits, how I eat, to try and keep life "all of a piece."

I have to chuckle, though, as I read that last sentence, because I'm a newbie, a baby, an ever-needing-to-begin-again beginner with regard to habits.

Yet I am conscious.  I am conscious that I want both the ecstasy and the laundry, to borrow the title of the Jack Kornfield book I have been wanting to read.

Livin' with polarities.  That's life.  That's me.  Here I am. 

Thanks be to God.  Blessed be.

30 Day Vegan, Week 2

I have eaten several animal foods this week:  some salmon with real egg mayonnaise for breakfast on Thursday, a taste of sausage and sauerkraut on Tuesday evening, and a host of things today, including coffee cake and poached eggs.

I have decided to continue eating mostly vegan through the Lenten season.  I feel this is a life-affirming decision because I want to have more time to let my body discover what this way of eating is like; because I have interrupted the pattern in a major way today, I look forward to more weeks of sustained plant-based food. 

But I will continue eating whatever on Sundays.  That's just how it goes.  Also, I'm traveling this week.  I have no idea what that's going to look like, but I plan to go with the flow and enjoy my food, whatever it is.

I am noticing:

mood and emotions:  I have felt a little sad to be "off" my plan today.  I could have gone vegan at lunch.  The menu was groundnut stew with a lot of accompaniments.  The stew, though, looked so good, and the beef was grown by the farmers who served it to me at their table....I did start the day with a delicious green smoothie, using Heather's recipe, including kale.

On Saturday I attended a gathering where ice cream cake was served.  It was no problem for me to decline a piece.  That amazes me.  I felt great saying no.  I was enjoying myself and had zero emotional need to eat the cake, as well as zero physical desire.  Coming from me, that's pretty curious.

chewing and digestion:  haven't had as many raw vegetables this week as the previous week, and I miss that.  I am noticing that I'm enjoying straight-up plain vegetables (sans dressing or tahini or whatever) more than I thought I would, on the occasions when I eat things plain.  Strange as it seems to me, I need to eat more fiber this week ;).

cravings:  I seem to crave what Heather suggests.  Last week she mentioned salmon, and I couldn't get it out of my mind.  I baked some for Joel and decided I had to eat just a little.  It was sooooooo good.

This way of eating does not exclude chocolate.  That is the only thing I crave regularly.  I have been eating chocolate chips every day and basically feeling good about that.  Perhaps I will try going without sometime this week.

biggest challenge:  This one is no surprise.  It's getting my food ready while also cooking for the family.  We are all eating some of the same things:  quinoa this week, some of the vegetables and fruits, but I'm also making food just for them--not complicated stuff, but things that still take time to make.

greatest accomplishment:  I would say that one was going to a brunch and turning down the ice cream cake.  That is just so unlike me.  And I felt so good doing it.  Very curious indeed.  I am enjoying my current weight, too.  Without so much as trying I suppose I've lost a couple pounds.  That's a pleasure, because my favorite vintage skirt fits just right, and it's been too tight around the waist since I bought it a year ago.

next week I plan to:  get through the week.  My toddler and I are going on a trip to Indiana to attend an exciting conference.  I'm planning on letting go and enjoying the ride.

the vegan scene

I, dairy farmer's daughter and hog farmer's niece, still can't believe I am even experimenting with veganism. 

That said, I will share that I am noticing...

a great deal of energy coming from the food I eat
that I have many, many options for what to eat
joy in cooking that I haven't felt before, even though I enjoy cooking
a sense of amazement that I can feel well-nourished eating only plant foods.

I have enjoyed green smoothies, roasted vegetables with tahini sauce, almond milk smoothies, mushroom bierrocks, hummus, and so much more.

I'll be pondering this experience for a while to come.

figuring out some things

It's been great to blog again.  I've gotten to know some fabulous new (to me) bloggers and gained necessary inspiration for my daily life.

And now it's time for me to take a bit of a break.  I've got many irons in the fire right now:  taxes, upkeep on our home business records, a new dishwasher on the way (truly, glory hallelujah; I thought I could get into washing by hand, but I haven't been able to swing it), a potential new 1/4 time job for me at our church, the usual round of homeschooling things, preparations for a spring equinox celebration, a conference on Mary in Anabaptist Dress, which will provide me with the opportunity to read a lovely Gerard Manley Hopkins poem (bliss) and...an exciting 30-day at-home retreat for me (with Heather from Beauty that Moves).

Blessings!

luxurious breakfast

This morning we were out of milk and yogurt, my breakfast staples.  Instead of enjoying the charms of those particular dairy products, I made myself one of my favorite sweet sandwiches, remembering that we had cream cheese in the fridge.  Here it is:
whole-grain bread slices, or some hearty bread that won't fall apart easily
a liberal layer of cream cheese or neufchatel on one of the slices
a liberal layer of nutella or a high-quality impersonator on the other slice
a nice sprinkling on both slices of cashew halves and diced, dried apricots

Unite the sandwich slices, cut sandwich in half if you desire, and garnish with fruit or whatever else strikes your fancy.  Enjoy!

Sunday evening post

On Sunday evening I got to spend extra quiet and relaxing time with this darlingperusing these interesting materials (the catalogs are just the eye candy I'd been waiting for; thanks, Leeala) while Joel and Henry prototyped a game that has to do with wolves and sheep.

Even though we're self-employed and employed without benefits, it has been nice to soak up the blessed quietness of a holiday weekend.

Tomorrow I will attempt my first feed-a-multitude potato salad. It will be basic: yellow mustard, potatoes, hard-cooked eggs, vinegar, mayonnaise, heavy cream, a little sugar. I'm nervous, but excited, too. My mother's potato salad is oh, so good. I don't care for the recipes that include pickle relish, so mine will just be that lovely pale yellow color I associate with summer evening meals.

home with Anna Kate

Coming home from the hospital to a new lambskin for Anna and coffee and "jewish rolls" made by my mama was wonderful.

Four days oldSeven days old...at her doctor appointment yesterday we learned she had already regained her birth weight and an extra three and a half ounces :).

twelfth night

Here it is, the end of the Christmas season. I have photos and stories I would like to share but there's not time for that right now. I am feeling a delightful fullness at eleven p.m. What a long, full day it has been, but satisfying. The lights and ornaments on our beautiful tree keep me company as I reflect on the day. It began, atypically, at 6:30 a.m. I woke, dressed (with lots of layers), drove across town to order and pay for our milk and eggs, drove back, woke Henry at a little after 7:00, watched a bit of Curious George with him, ate part of my homemade yogurt, homemade granola and crunchy apple breakfast, zipped out the door at 7:30 for a three mile walk--yippee!, came back, got ready for our dear neighbor to come over and play with Henry, watched the boys play as I tried to get a few things done around the house. Had a mid-morning sweet potato, red pickled cabbage, pickle, broccoli snack, took them out on an errand, came back home, ate grass-fed t-bone steak and sweet potato and more broccoli an pickle for lunch, hurried, hurried, hurried out the door to get Henry to the nature center in time for our class. Enjoyed the class conducted around the theme of "Duck, Goose or Swan?" that included a jeopardy-style contest between parents and children--so much fun and challenging to my limited powers of observation, enjoyed a slow ride (with apple, nuts and chocolate chips) to the doctor's office as my I-wish midwife and for-real doula drove Henry and her boy to art club, savored the doctor's words to "keep it boring," (that's just soothing to me because he seems to think my having a vbac is so profoundly uninteresting...which is just what I was hoping for in a doctor), sat down and visited with my friend/doula (yippee again), had delicious gelato with the boys and the doula friend at a nearby cafe, hurried home, let Henry off at the front door, zipped to Hesston, where I pretended to lead the retirement community's men's chorus, stopped by to see my parents in their new apartment, drove back home, stopping by on the way to pick up our milk and eggs, groused and yelled when I walked in the door about the table not being cleared of lunch dishes and socks being on the floor (what good that did, I really don't know; think it was useless, unwelcome complaining), watched a little of a special on the advent of Buddhism on PBS, helped Henry get ready for bead, talked with his two Webkins and watched him draw in his diary, began to read chapter 21 of Little House on the Prairie, went to the bathroom while Joel read on, kissed Henry good night, came to the kitchen to make something to eat...more sweet potato, this time festooned with some cilantro, green onion, some chunks of elderly avocado, plenty of salt and butter, some more pieces of t-bone steak, finished off with the last piece of Sara's Christmas baklava. Now it is time for bed. Whew! Thank you, God. Thank you, life.

notes from the middle of November

Hello blogland friends,

I'm excited to share my new header. Henry designed this cinderella pumpkin to have fangs on top, but they've curled under now, leaving a friendly, gaping maw to greet me when I walk up the front steps. The quotation from Hafiz is from my bathroom calendar, and I just find it appropriate in so many ways.

I'm not all that fond of November, but it does hold things to recommend it to us: the maturation of autumn, the constant awareness in this month of remembrance that we are not alone. Other souls have walked this ground before us. I'm very mindful of that at the beginning of November with All Saints/All Souls days. We don't observe these days in any big way as a family. Personally, though, I can't help but feel the ache of those I know who are filled with questions about where they are going and where they have been--the ache of those who have more friends on the other side of this life than on the side we're on.

I had the most comforting conversation about disillusionment yesterday. It was one of my work days, and I was sitting at a round table with some elders I love and admire. What honest observations they made about their lives. Why is it, we wondered together, that you get to the next "chapter" and you still don't have it all figured out? Seems to have little to do with being a "person of faith." Somehow life's losses tend to lead us deeper and deeper into mystery and the wildness of our being.

It was good for me to be reminded that I have probably said a lot of things intended to be comforting that have been received as nothing more than well-meaning platitudes. What was so heartening about the conversation is that I can stow these thoughts away. If I'm granted the long life I hope to have, I want to remember with gratitude the friends who said, "It's not easy getting old. I'm just as confused now as I ever was." I want to remember them and how beautiful it was to see them wondering and loving, learning and struggling. Let me be like that. That's the kind of faith I want.

On a different note, I have felt buoyed along by the election of Barack Hussein Obama to the office of President of the United States. Joel and I stayed up late watching the returns and I went to sleep filled with the hope that we're entering into a new era that might hold transformation for our nation. I pray for this new president-elect in a way that I've never prayed for leaders before. That he may be wise and grounded and visionary and conciliatory. Already I've been shocked as I've heard him talking about killing Osama bin Laden. I am aware that I can't expect all things of a finite human being and that the heart of transformation is really my own response to life. Yet I feel hopeful and thankful and I'm not taking either of these things for granted.

I'm a big Michael Pollan fan and hope you'll have time to listen to this interview on his Open Letter to the Next Farmer in Chief. I hope our president-elect has made time to listen.

Days and nights have been pretty sweet in our home of late. Henry is bonding with my pregnant belly, which I hope to share photos of sometime. We're reading Riki Tiki Tavi thanks to a visit to the cousins' house, Little House in the Big Woods, and The Two Towers. The Tolkien books continue to be our family bedtime reading routine and I delight in hearing Henry sigh as he falls into bed, snuggles up and settles down to hear more of this fabulous tale. It pleases Joel to be the reader.

Oh, each day holds its own frustrations and nagging questions, but I'm so very thankful for my little family and our little home and all the family and friends who love us. November, I am thankful for you and want to savor your remaining days.

now I know why they call it red lobster

Blogging gives me joy because it provides a place to squirrel away the little sights that make me happy. Yesterday Grandma and Grandpa Ewy took us to Red Lobster for lunch and, on the way there, Henry announced he would be having lobster for lunch. My first response was to want to say, "No, dear, that's too expensive." Thinking of this unschooling mentor I instead chose to say, "Let's talk more about that." At the restaurant Henry spent time around the lobster tank with other kids and Joel and I decided it would be okay for him to try the lobster. Thank you Grandma and Grandpa E for treating him to it!

Henry got to choose the lobster out of the tank and crack its beautiful red shell open with the cracker. He liked the claw meat best, but I don't think he will be wanting it again. Still, what an adventure.

Since lobster shells don't enter this prairie household just every day I thought I'd include a few pictures to show how half the red lobster's body is fitting into our home. Here's an odd still life with brandywine tomato, homegrown sunflower seeds awaiting roasting, an acorn and some Kansas pecans in need of shelling. What an unlikely combination! And yet I think they suit each other well.

happenings

While it's a joy to return to blogging after a three-week (or so) hiatus, I have to say the rest has been wonderful. I wasn't aware of how much time I was putting into taking photos, downloading them, writing down thoughts. This discipline is well worth my time, but I come back to it with a new appreciation for the many other ways I want to (and need to) ply my strength.

The biggest thing I've been up to is growing a baby to fill these well-loved shoes. It has been an amazing gift to hear this baby's heart beat (with doppler assistance) and to feed my body's cravings. How anxious I have felt: are you alive in there? Have I done something to hurt you? After two miscarriages, I don't think I'll ever be able to be casual about pregnancy again. The blessing of this time of uncertainty (not that there is ever any final certainty, even now that my first trimester is over) is that I have had the privilege of hearing other women's stories of pregnancy loss and infertility. Oh, the dear women in my life! I can't thank you all enough. My sisters, my sister-friends...you are an amazing source of strength to me!

Let me spout on just a bit about pregnancy cravings, because I think they are so very, very entertaining. Here is what I have wanted to eat, in more-or-less chronological order, beginning around July 4.

lovely golden-yolked free range eggs from Cheryl
shrimp (which I believe isn't a very ethical--or maybe healthy--thing to eat)
shrimp
shrimp with sour cream cucumber salad on baked potato
fantasies about a carbonated sour cream-shrimp-cucumber milkshake...ugh...yum!
milk and chocolate chip cookies
beef stew
tomato juice/V8
nachos: beans, cheddar, guacamole, sour cream, tomato, chips
biscuits and gravy
biscuits and gravy--yuck! I normally don't like this, but have loved making them both from scratch this last month
red lentil coconut curry
beet borscht and reubens with lots of kraut (so thankful for Yolanda's menu)
kalamata olives
gazpacho
wraps and sandwiches made by someone other than myself that may include heated meat but do not include ham (usually a favorite of mine)
...mmm. I think I'll find something to eat soon.

Here is a photo of a beautiful meal that I really did not feel like eating due to funky nauseated pregnancy feelings. Our wonderful guests brought over the whole meal, which we ate out on the porch. Too bad I mostly felt like eating the boring beef stew in the crock pot.And here's a photo of my sister Barbara's new set of wheels. Couldn't resist including this one! Her electric bike is an eGo. It recharges for about 8 cents worth of electricity after which it can go 60? miles. Wow! And then there's the consolation of this array of healthy local food, grown and purchased from within 100 miles of home. Wow again!Take care everybody!

pops and rambling thoughts

Inspired by Katie, I made vanilla pudding popsicles last night and they turned out just right. Delicious and nourishing. Henry slept in until almost 10:00 and was immediately invited over to play. He got dressed with a little help, searched in vain for his magic wand, and ran (tank top, flip flops and winter coat to protect from rain) out the door with no breakfast. I walked some pops over and felt good about it, like I wasn't just dropping a sugar bomb on the boys.

Mondays are generally peaceful, restful days here. I am thankful for that. Not so restful for Joel, as he is having an exceptionally busy week, but I hope the lack of hurry Henry and I are experiencing is also helpful to Joel.

Tomorrow we travel to the cabin site to do some varnishing of windows. It will be a busy day, but the joy of this place being finished someday soon is great. As I write, I'm helping Joel by previewing some old home movies for quality. They were copied to video and now, by Joel, copied onto DVD for one of our customers. It is quite intriguing to see the 1950s vacation destinations and so forth: a dancing monkey wearing a girl's dress, a series of quiet home scenes, farm life, Sunday-best dress against a backdrop of grain auger, tractor, garden beds.

I'm struck by the ironies of blogging. I write--for myself, people I know, people I am learning to know through blogging--about life as it is now. And so much of what I desire is similar to what used to be: families spending time together, simple enjoyment of floor play, gardening, restful vacations. (Scratch the dancing monkeys; I imagine they're better off in their native environment or in a zoo haven if their habitat has been destroyed). I do not seek to ignore what is happening in the world now, but to claim the goodness that is here while I live and pray in the world that is.

father's day motherboard

Here is a photo of the new-to-me motherboard I installed in my computer with Joel's help. I guess it was sort of a fathers' day present to him, but also to me, that I learned how to do this myself. Turns out, though, the used board I installed worked great for a while and then stopped. So now I have a different m-board than the one in the photo...and my computer is running much faster. For any who care about these things, my new motherboard has an Athlon XP 2000+ processor and 512 MB of DDR RAM. This replaces a different motherboard with an 900 MHz Athlon and 256 MB of PC-133 memory. My computer runs Ubuntu 7.04 and I am very pleased with it. We might upgrade it to Ubuntu 8.04. There. I am writing down (verbatim) all that Joel has said. Happy Father's Day, Joel!Here is another way we celebrated Father's Day (already on Friday). Our favorite (albeit probably very heavy on the corn syrup) local root beer and Robo-Rally, one of Joel's many favorite games.

from the back stoop

I didn't eat breakfast outside this morning, but here are two pleasant sights of late:Joel, smiling between points he's expounding on...

Granola with service berries and the most expensive coffee to ever enter our house which, fortunately, we could buy using Joel's Ten Thousand Village discount. Delicious it was. The empty bag smelled just a wee bit skunky/musky. Funny, the things that make things taste good.

crunchy goodness

I baked granola yesterday, the way my mama made it when my sisters and I were little. Here it is, adapted from Mother's in the Kitchen, published when I was a year old. A little crunchy for some and (if you add the extra water) chunky, but I love it. I eat it with cut-up fresh (or dried) fruit and Sara's homemade yogurt.

5 c. oats
3 c. whole wheat flour
1 c. white flour
1 c. oat bran
1 c. soy flour (or what ever you like--more oats, wheat germ, flax seed meal...)
2 c. nuts (recipe calls for 1 c. coconut and 1 c. nuts, but I prefer lots of nuts)
1 T. salt
1 c. oil (one of my sisters adds only 1/2 c. and says it turns out well)
1 c. honey, brown sugar, dark maple syrup, etc.
1/2 c. water (I usually use about 1 c.)
cinnamon, dried fruit (if you like--I never add these)

Mix dry ingredients, then add wet. Use hands to mix. More water can be added to make bigger chunks. Put into 2 cookie sheets and bake @250-300 F, turning every 20 minutes for even browning. Should bake about 1 1/2 hrs or until brown and crisp.

some of the steps to homemade ice cream

The Ewy method involves making a delicious, sweet custard,

this time with Borntrager Dairy milk and Miller eggs,

in Doug and Leeala's sauce pan

interdependence

This hamburger from the local meat market is one of the foods that powers Joel to work hard
repairing computers while I go to preschool with Henry and pretend not to know that he is making this for me (hope I haven't spilled the beans for too many mothers out there),
thanks to this woman (and her church's) openness to a "work-study" program.
This yogurt made by Sara is made possible by milk from the dairy that also provided more asparagus, the time to purchase it having been made possible by my neighbors, who gave us this when I came to pick up Henry.And this is not mentioning the tip Becky gave me so I could take her turn doing the milk run, or the camera I'm borrowing from Libby so I can, for a while, take some clearer close-up photos, or the undergirding love and support of two sets of parents, or the conversation I had with the milk hostess the other day about how God provides. Yes, God does. Through interdependence.

My best, cheap meal

On this sunlit Saturday evening we enjoyed a lovely, nourishing supper that was cheap, cheap, cheap and made with (mostly) real food Honey-baked chicken from More-with-Less (p. 180) made with on-sale and (ostensibly) free - from - antibiotics - that - affect - humans boneless, skinless chicken thighs and homemade raw milk butter; Kroger frozen mixed vegetables and rice. A whole meal, slow cooked (well, the chicken at least), serving three people (with leftovers) for five dollars--max. I think we all left the table with thankful hearts.

Later I baked a chocolate sheet cake made with a chunk of (probably) growth - hormone - laced Wisconsin butter, homemade raw buttermilk, powdered sugar and other good stuff. If I'd have added dinner rolls and served the sheet cake for dessert it would have made a fine company meal. I love spending time in my little laboratory. Especially when the counters are clean and the dishwasher and sink are empty.

springtime pleasures and home scenes

Yesterday's golden hour: 6:00 to 7:00 p.m., captured by Joel.

Grape hyacinths and a red tulip picked by Henry.

Another golden hour view. My favorite chair.

Reading a biography of Alice Waters purchased here. Food writing is one of my favorite genres. MFK Fisher, the writers of Laurel's Kitchen, any good cookbook, Ruth Reichl. I enjoy cooking, but that's not the point. These writers invite me to live fully and enter a world where small details like food quality and origins are all-important, and then come back into my dirty-dishes-in-the-sink world feeling nourished by the time away.