a post before folding laundry

I keep forgetting I'm living the life of my dreams because there are so many things that don't feel dreamy: I'm losing my job (sometime in the future), there is a mountain of laundry to fold (and yesterday the phone disappeared in the mix), and Anna's diapers are getting threadbare (again),

BUT

she is asleep for the time being. Henry is out with Joel for the evening, which means I've had some lovely re-grouping time alone. I ate canned salmon with Annie's white cheddar shells, avocado, cucumber & cilantro. Then I made myself some hot cocoa with half and half which, I've discovered, is divine, and I defrosted some raspberries to eat alongside.

AND

I'm not losing a full-time job, but a fulfilling 12-hour-a-week job, and life's not over yet. I'm committed to enjoying the laundry, enjoying the (at least for now) opportunity to spend a lot of time at home with our dear children, and to connect with the local homeschooling community and continue enjoying the process of learning with Henry and Anna (and Joel) at home.

I AM THANKFUL FOR

Good King Wenceslas duets with Henry; good food; the sound of things humming along, like the diapers washing right now in the washing machine and the clack of my keyboard; the sight of a sleeping baby; my little family and my extended family; the generosity of my church.

I PRAY FOR

a wise heart; the self-discipline to persevere in a life-giving path and do the right thing/s at the right time/s; the ability to be truthful but not snarky when I feel I've been wronged; self-understanding; the wisdom to know the difference between justified indignation and self-righteous pomposity (in myself) in the workplace.

That picture up there is an example of what I love and enjoy: time at home in happy, colorful chaos that allows me and those around me to keep becoming who I believe we need to be--not just for our own good, but for the greater good as well.

nine months

We both slept with Henry last night, because he needed us.
She likes the furry friends in this book. She likes all furry friends, including Shanti and Ernie. She likes their kisses. She likes their movement. There's not much she doesn't enjoy about animals.
Anna is growing all the time in self-awareness and the ability to plan her actions. Tonight she fed me with her fingers and, Tuesday morning when I picked her up from the bed, she gave me the nicest pats on the back.

butterflies

For the homeschool co-op science class, we've been raising butterflies from larvae to adult. Fun! These painted ladies fly around our living room, mostly feeding on sugar water from a green sponge. I had to add these last garden flowers to make their lives in captivity a little more colorful. They don't much seem to care for the flowers.

a belated Halloween laugh

Laugh with me. I lost the fake part of my front tooth at midnight on All Saints Day morning, when I tried opening a stubborn flip-top water bottle with my mouth. Uh huh. Now I have a photo to remember it by. I went five days without a complete front tooth and now, I'm delighted to say, I have a lovely new one.

I dressed up as a witch for Halloween. Too bad I didn't chip my tooth about six hours earlier.

The days without a complete tooth increased my compassion for people who don't have all their teeth. I found it to be a really vulnerable time, and I kept explaining my story to those who saw me. I was afraid of their (potential) judgment. Hmm.

eight months

Someone sweet turned eight months old yesterday. Henry said we should try not to let her cry too much (because it was her eight month birthday day). Well, she's looking pretty happy here.

Miquon Math (which you can't see us doing here) is fun. We have abandoned Five in a Row. It is a neat concept, but isn't suiting the way we learn, which is to go with the flow, but keep practicing reading and writing. Thanks to Becky's suggestion, we're reading The Secret Garden now, and enjoying it. I savor the way Mary talks about growing fat. It's a good thing, borne of fresh air and plenty of sunshine and play. Here are our jack o'lanterns.

waking to beauty

I keep in my head Thich Nhat Hanh's advice that I read in one of his books--probably The Miracle of Mindfulness--that says to put something within your view from your bed so that you can wake in beauty each day. I do have something beautiful within eyesight in my room--a handful of oak leaves with acorns attached. But this is the particular beauty (and filth) I woke to this morning. A french pressful of coffee waiting for me in the sunlight. Let the day begin. The children are still sleeping and I have some editing to do.

hello again

I keep thinking about changing back to my previous blog title, writing about what's going on of late, sharing about some of the reading we've been doing, but other important things like taking care of this baby, reading, washing dishes, nursing, washing diapers, working, playing, nursing, washing diapers, washing dishes, reading, practicing piano, going for walks, going to sleep, working, studying insect life cycles...keep getting in the way.
I do so understand why Henry says he could just eat her up.

my first Michaelmas

The autumn wind blows open the gate, O Michael, you, you we await.
We follow you, show us the way. With joy we greet the autumn day.

Firmly on the earth I stand, Michael's sword within my hand.
When I conquer fear the dragon's chains I tightly bind, Michael's light within my mind.

What a thrilling thing, to be involved in a procession and play planned for children and adults alike by Leeala. We welcomed autumn with song and drama. A dragon (with a cerveza cabeza, says Joel) was fought, then bound. Stick swords were wielded. A festive meal was enjoyed. See the sidebar for a photo of Erin's stunning dragon bread and some other photos taken by Erin. Thanks to Cheryl for the photos in this post.

big things are happening

Last Wednesday evening Henry lost his first tooth!

Anna? Well, she's just as good at being adorable as she ever was.

a little more hidden than I would like...

The wholeness in my life right now is feeling obscured. It is there, I know, but busyness and toil and a fair bit of wheel spinning are causing me to feel alienated from some of my favorite ways of renewing myself (long walks, goofing off outside with Henry, baking and cooking, reading). Our family is too busy and struggling too much to make ends meet. I am not caring for myself or Joel as much as I would like to.

This will change. Right now life is intense, though, and I need an added measure of love, patience, hope and gentleness. And probably a booster of resolve, too. Any other suggestions?

A fond memory of the weekend is the day we spent at the cabin with friends. Henry got gloriously dirty and expended a colossal amount of energy. Joel painted in the bunkhouse. Anna and I had a nap on a hammock in a lovely hollow. We came home smelling of sweet smoke. So good.

Here are our darlings. One is missing a tooth and one is still working at her first.

more Annamania and a potential new blog title

Oh, babies!

Keeping with the hidden wholeness idea of the previous post, I'm trying out a new title for this blog, Hidden Wholeness Homeschool. Don't know yet what I think, as I'm pretty attached to my old name, but I'm also growing in a new direction.

a new school year

Today, accidentally on Maria Montessori's birthday, we began our new home school year. I feel a little sheepish saying this because, the deeper I immerse myself in the homeschooling milieu, the more I see that the school year never ends. Life hands us opportunity after opportunity to learn. I suppose the reason I personally wanted to give the new school year a bit of a kick-off is that Joel and I are implementing (I suppose you could say imposing on Henry) a bit (just the merest bit) more of a daily routine. At nearly seven, Henry's up for it, though I want to do my best to listen to him with respect and adapt the schedule to his and our needs.

We're also experimenting with a curriculum, Five in a Row, which many homeschoolers may (or may not) be familiar with. It comes to us recommended by several homeschooling families and I like its gentle manner of approaching the disciplines of language arts, social studies, math, science and visual art through good children's literature. Not a person to be confined by too many guidelines :), I can already see us adapting the FIAR concepts to use with books our family wants to read. I'm also excited--yes, excited--to say we're going to give Miquon Math a try. After talking with another trusted homeschool parent, it sounds like Cuisenaire rods are the way for us to go. And, besides, I've read about them in more than one John Holt unschooling book.

I remember that last year I said I wanted to write a post on my/our family's homeschooling philosophy. I never did it but the why of it all is how I entertain my head every night as I'm falling asleep. Why, why, why when so many supports to help us educate Henry in the public school setting are already in place?

I realized today that, for me, it's about care of the soul--Henry's, mine, and hopefully Joel's and Anna's too. There's something so exclusive-sounding about that. My inner judge nags me, "Don't you care about the rest of the world? Do you only care about your own child?" How I would like to answer that voice today is that I long for the world to be a kinder place to the human soul, that uncorrupted part of us that never stops longing for beauty, love, adventure...wholeness.

I love the things I've read by Parker Palmer, including Let Your Life Speak. I haven't read To Know as We Are Known, but suspect I will enjoy it. I checked out another book of his lately, A Hidden Wholeness, that explores a Thomas Merton sentiment touched on here, here, and here. So, how do I see homeschooling as nurturing our hidden wholeness? It can allow children and their families to slow down, explore concepts and master skills over time. It can allow space for slow growth--even the kind of growth that can happen through down time with simultaneous PBS Kids (yes, we're a tv family) and Lego play. Homeschooling allows for discussion-based learning, for bedtime, table and anytime conversations that don't need to be curtailed because it is time to go to the next thing in the program. The subtitle of Parker Palmer's book has to do with cultivating an undivided life--a life where the outside is consistent with the inside--at work, at home, inside ourselves and in our relationships. I strive for this, and I think Parker Palmer expresses it much more eloquently than I have time to. Read his book!

Following are some more links to homeshooling posts I've found helpful from a soulful / spiritual point of view. Red Dirt Mother, Pleasant View Schoolhouse
and Harmony Valley Homeschool.

personing

Oh, we love her brother so much, too, but we are sure enjoying watching this sweetheart "person." She's sitting up now and enjoying so many simple pleasures.
More photos to come. She and Henry enjoy each other. That surpasses my expectations. I thought they might lead parallel lives, which they do in many respects. But, oh!; they do play together. On Sunday we adults delighted in watching him give Anna leg-pull rides up and down Grandpa and Grandma's hallway and through the living room. She smiled all the while. Sounds a bit rough, I know. The tiny little rug burn on her back was a small price to pay for the pleasure it gave her :).

pretty dishes

Pretty dishes are one of my life's joys. I brought this pile in from the car (the platter on the bottom I need to return to Libby) and set them in the sink. Just like that. There they are...dirty and so pretty. Like the movie title, Dirty Pretty Things. Good movie; you all should see it.

holding

These days I don't get to hold Henry as much as I used to, but he enjoys holding Anna. On Thursday he and Anna were apart for ten hours and it was sweet to see the grin of recognition on her face when I carried her in to meet her brother at Aunt Libby's. She knows him!

Annamania

At five months, she's beginning to sit and she's always reaching, reaching, reaching.

Henry was generous to share his chef hat with Anna.

She seems pleased to be wearing it.

Books I'm / we're enjoying

Searching for Sacred Ground
Way back when I started this blog I promised I'd read this because of the reference to axis mundi. The book breathes the energy and awakeness of Raylene Hinz-Penner, a beloved person to me.

Marguerite Makes a Book
Beautiful illustrations, great if you're wanting to study medieval times with children.

A Door in the WallAgain, on the medieval topic, a wonderful story, engaging for both reader and those read to.

Old Mother Westwind's "How" Stories
Henry loves 'em and, in keeping with what I'm learning about the Charlotte Mason method of education, they're good "living" books.

Except for Searching for Sacred Ground, these were all checked out from the local library, along with a pile of others. What gifts! Makes me think of the quote (it's too late now to go check the refrigerator magnet that tells me who said this...) "A room without books is like a body without a soul."

Since I'm not the one reading it to Henry, I almost forgot this final beloved book of Joel's and now Henry's (since we've read through the Hobbit and the LOTR trilogy): The Silmarillion. How could I forget that? It's one of the books keeping the "soul" in our living room.

What's not to love?

Her nickname is Puddin'.

two faces

I've been seeing a lot of these two faces as I nurse Anna and lie in bed. One is ancient, the other new. One dark and expressive, the other light and basic. I like to see them together. (Had to photograph them outside for better light). They're poles I'm hanging out between right now...complexity versus simplicity, suffering versus joy, you get the idea.

I was reading the newest Newsweek at my folks' place today. Do you think we live in a child-centered society? That's what I thought the mag was contending? I don't know about that. I don't think so, really. We may live in a narcissistic society that encourages children not to mature, but I don't know that we really excel at honoring the needs of children, or adults, for that matter.

I like to stare, gaze I guess is the word, at Jesus on my wall. This icon sits on the prayer table in the house where I used to go to twice-weekly early morning prayers. I had missed it since moving back to Kansas, so Joel got it for me at Eighth Day Books several years ago and now it hangs by the changing table, next to the basket where Anna's doll rests.

At what have you been gazing?

centering Saturdays

When Henry was an infant this day of the week used to be mine for imagining what being at home would look like--trying to pack so much domesticity and mother love into a single day of the week.

No more! Now Saturdays are my day for all sorts of things: cleaning (maybe), cooking (hopefully), dreaming (sometimes maybe too much), sweating as I blog (oh, the toil!), staring down at my dirty feet while I wear a silk skirt and think about my daughter asleep on the bed and my son tucked away in the basement, how we're going outside soon...I hope, how there is so much to do, so, so much to do, how summer is here and it is hot, even with central air, how peaches purchased at Walmart can still taste good and summery even though they don't embody the food practices I aspire to keep.

How down time, unstructured time, has since childhood helped my soul to form. It is the best therapy I know, helping angers to subside and constructive problem-solving to take firmer hold. I wish I could show a photo of every lived-in corner of this house. It is a good place and also a place in need of cleaning and prayer. There are comfy baby spots, clean laundry spots, puzzle spots, hard-edged toy spots, dusty corners stacked with piles of good intentions.

It is time to rise from this place and take hold of the time I have until Anna wakes up. And as I go I remember this very, very good poem.

more photos

Before she and her family left for a 14-week sabbatical, Yolanda took these pictures of Anna and the rest of us. I'm so glad she did. There's more to share, and I may finally get some photos sent to family far away.

Ahh. It's all worth the effort. ...And it has taken quite a lot of effort!

a summer afternoon

Saturday afternoon was warm and fair...one of our first long afternoons in the back yard sun and shade. I thought my children were not able to fall asleep without parental support, but Anna is content as can be outside staring up into the sky and branches. She lay on her lambskin for an hour, gazing and sleeping, while I planted some seeds and tended to some of her brother's needs.What a gift she gave us (and herself). It was a lovely afternoon.

remember, remember

As Anna cries to request my help in getting her into her morning nap groove, I'm not always aware she's making the request. I get annoyed. I look at the piles of dishes and laundry, at the piles of bills and papers to file, at Henry, who needs some attention, too, at my disheveled image in the mirror and think, "Baby, be quiet! Let me put you down."

What she needs is just the opposite. Today I carried her in a front hold, feet crossed lotus-style (Henry liked that, too). She calmed right down as I proceeded with my morning chores, wanting only to be taken along. Before I knew it she was asleep. What a privilege to carry a baby. A year ago I had just learned that I might become the mother of a second living child. Wow.

Remember, remember
the sacredness of things
Running streams and dwellings
The young within the nest
A hearth for sacred fire
The holy flame of fire

This Pawnee blessing comes from a book by Andrew Harvey (love him) and is excerpted here.

Sunday evening post

On Sunday evening I got to spend extra quiet and relaxing time with this darlingperusing these interesting materials (the catalogs are just the eye candy I'd been waiting for; thanks, Leeala) while Joel and Henry prototyped a game that has to do with wolves and sheep.

Even though we're self-employed and employed without benefits, it has been nice to soak up the blessed quietness of a holiday weekend.

Tomorrow I will attempt my first feed-a-multitude potato salad. It will be basic: yellow mustard, potatoes, hard-cooked eggs, vinegar, mayonnaise, heavy cream, a little sugar. I'm nervous, but excited, too. My mother's potato salad is oh, so good. I don't care for the recipes that include pickle relish, so mine will just be that lovely pale yellow color I associate with summer evening meals.

home learning

Yesterday Henry read his first book. I took lots of pictures as the two of them read because their faces changed in the most expressive ways. Couldn't quite capture the glee on his face when he read "fight, fight, we fight all night."

Meanwhile, Anna and I watched. She's doing her own learning, swatting the toys on her bouncy seat with great fervor.

siblings

The sibling relationship is not always easy, but it is coming along beautifully. Henry doesn't like it when Anna cries for extended periods of time...like in the car when I am driving and we have already stopped at a rest stop once to nurse and ...

Mostly, though, I've been amazed by how he has welcomed her into his life, ooohing and aaahing. Someone asked me if it wasn't nice to have Henry off to school during the day so that I could have time with Anna alone. Actually, I like it better the way it is. Being home together except for Wednesdays and Thursdays makes it nicer and easier for us to be together. Time spent together strengthens our relationships and helps us appreciate the rhythms we share and those that are unique to each person.

sharing sleep

Henry called for me early this morning, so Anna and I both went to join him. Anna is learning to share sleep with everyone in her family--including her big brother, who sometimes puts his arm around her as she sleeps.

Last night Anna fell asleep gazing at Joel. She fussed when we turned out the light, so we kept it on and she just watched Joel as he smiled at her and his eyes grew heavy with sleep. I peeked around to look at her eyes and they were still wide open, gazing at her daddy.

Sharing sleep has been a wonderful way for our family to stay connected through the tense times and busy days that come around.

compassion

To those who read the previous post, thank you. Thank you for having compassion on me working with my grief over needing to leave my baby when at my place of employment. Really, what's life about but learning to live with our stuff and finding the courage to work on it? Again and again I'm reminded that there are so many ways to get from here to there. Thanks for looking through one of my windows. Love and joy to all mothers, working at home and away from home, loving their children all the while.

sleepy treatise on nursing and working

Here she is at about eight weeks--photo taken about a week ago. We went for her two-month check-up yesterday and learned she's 12# 10 oz. in the nude. Way to go, Anna! Her onesie comes from Paul, who works here.

I've had the idea for this post in my head for days, but I'm too tired now to carry it out with as much thought as I had intended. Just read this blogger's post about the breastfeeding relationship and carrying it out over the long-er haul. I'm happy for her that she's going to a really cool writers' workshop, but sad that women who work "outside the home," to use that quaint turn of phrase, are constantly expected to put their children's needs behind those of their employers/vocations.

Yes, I know it is important to ply oneself to the task at hand, but I don't understand why working mothers, especially the mothers of children under a year, are not afforded more options in deciding how to mother and how to continue the breastfeeding relationship through at least the first year of the baby's life.

What might these options be? More U. S. employers, according to a recent NPR report, are making it possible for infants under six months to accompany their mothers to work. It is my humble opinion that, were the work world to take this idea seriously, interested nursing-working mothers from all sectors of the work world would do their best to make the arrangement worthwhile for employer and employee alike. I work as a chaplain in a long-term care setting and believe that, with the support of my mother (who is Anna's caregiver on the days I work), I could successfully have lovely Anna with me 40 to 80 per cent (or maybe more) of the time I'm on the job. Moreover, I think the women who work alongside me as nurse aides, nurses and med. aides could also, with a staffed baby room within a 30-second walk, have their babies (held safely in slings) close by much of the time they are working.

Another option, of course, would be that our nation could grant mothers / families twelve months of maternity or paternity leave when a baby is born. Right there we could do so much to ensure successful mother-baby breastfeeding relationships for at least the first year of life. And save ourselves some money in health care expenses, too, considering all that's been written about how breastfeeding ensures good health for the mother-child dyad.

For me, full-time ministry and full-time mothering don't mix. I feel too divided in my soul if I have to choose (in the middle of the night or on a birthday or too many week nights in a row) between my children and my career. I want my children to win, because I'm the only mother they have. Even working fewer hours than I did before Anna was born (about twelve now instead of about sixteen), those two days of working outside the home take me four days to catch up from.

When Henry was an infant I nursed him in the middle of the day and then pumped my milk in the morning and afternoon. I felt okay about this arrangement. It seemed like the best it could be given the circumstances. I was thankful to have a husband who was committed to getting our baby to me once a day. Now, thanks to my mother (who lives a short walk from my office) and my employer's willingness to let me be flexible with my schedule, I don't even have to pump. My nursing relationship with Anna can continue on work days and at-home days.

Here's the thing: like many women in the workforce, if I were to quit my very meaningful job right now (or if I were to be "terminated"), Joel and I would face great difficulty continuing to feed and house our family. The money I earn is not recreational or even savings money; it is essential to our family's well-being. True, we'd come up with some kind of alternative; we'd have to. But that alternative may well be my going back to full-time work in a lower paying job, taking both Joel and me away from home and our children nearly 100 per cent of the work week.

Oh, my earnest prayer is that all families would have the security they need to start their children off in the world. I wish all mothers who want to could breastfeed their infants 100 per cent of the time. If you're passionate about this topic, you might read this and listen to this. After listening to that last link, I felt exceptionally ambivalent about the National Organization for Women.

Lab 87-6

Here is Lab 87-6 and its accompanying vehicles. Made by Henry back in March. My, he can keep track of the smallest pieces. ...And he expects me to do the same.

We think Anna Kate is great!

My people.

Here she is in all her eight-week-old splendor.

more photos

Some days I'm surprised to wake up and be the mother of two!

I knitted this hat for the baby to come. Looks like baby torture to me.
But it was my first "serious" project, and a lot of fun to knit.

home with Anna Kate

Coming home from the hospital to a new lambskin for Anna and coffee and "jewish rolls" made by my mama was wonderful.

Four days oldSeven days old...at her doctor appointment yesterday we learned she had already regained her birth weight and an extra three and a half ounces :).