control and letting go

Prelude: Why do I blog? I do not fully understand. There is a piece of me that finds a settled place in sharing what's going on in my head and life with others. I like to think out loud in safe settings and this feels like a safe setting to me. Forgive me (and stop reading) if the following is too personal for your taste. Here is a symbol of what a safe space looks like for me. An image I see along my walking path.
I am not feeling securely anchored or centered in goodness these last few weeks. Many of my struggles revolve around the themes of controlling and letting go. The tax season has been stressful to me because, though our business has made a profit in its first year, it's not enough to support our family. I am afraid of losing this beautiful little life Joel and I have cultivated in the last year. I spend too much of my time bowing before the throne of some horrible god of fear, begging to keep what I love, fearing that it will be taken from me. As I've said already on this blog, it's also a poignant time of year for me because, on April 15, it will be ten years to the day that Joel was diagnosed with cancer. Ugh. I hate that word. Here he is, a healthy ten-year survivor of Hodgkins lymphoma, in classic Joel "middle - of - a - well - developed - thought" pose. I hope he won't be too angry at me for posting a pre-shower photo. Oh, I am so thankful for him!So I've been re-reading this book, which I bought for cheap twelve years ago in my bookstore days (so thankful for them, too).It took me a long time to read this book and I realize as I read parts of it again that it really shaped me during my seminary years. Here's just one of many quotations I find helpful.

[Jesus] insists on the universal need for forgiveness ...[and] seeks to return human beings to themselves, to their communities, and to God. No individual is too deeply alienated. ...[W]ithout forgiveness, ...we human beings are psychologically chained to the past. The drinking man continues to drink, the overeating woman continues to sneak food (could that be why I unwillingly ate a whole Toblerone bar yesterday?), the lying child continues to lie. Behavior becomes hidden, shame-filled, compulsive, driving the individual deeper and deeper into isolation, fear, and self-loathing. Out of control, we struggle to achieve control not only of ourselves but of others, lest they might see us for who we are. In response to our isolation, we lash out, take offense, find fault.

Nothing new here, but the book is a good reminder to me of how I want to be intentional about letting go of what binds and holding on to what gives life. And the present balance we have between work and play is something I dearly want to hold on to. May it be so.

This peace-filled site was shared with me recently. I found it to be moving and helpful in the continuing work of forgiving and letting go. And now it is time to go on a walk. Joel is sharing it with me this morning. What joy. Peace be with you as you do whatever letting-go work you want to be doing.