moving on

new energy for this blog

And now let me tell you something else. I am happy! Yes, I truly and surely am. I could say so many things about why, but what I wish to talk about in this one-more-post for the day is that I am finding energy to want to return to this blog--not that there is any mandate other than my own for doing so, but that it brings me joy to do so. I am ready to reconnect with the identity that began unfolding here a couple years ago and use the blog to reconnect with bloggers I enjoy knowing online.

My body, mind and soul can't afford to let this pastime fill too much of my life, but keeping my blog has been a life-giving outlet. Hooray for me!

To celebrate this inner shift, I bought myself tulips this evening. My favorite kind--red with yellow tinges. Our home is messy, and I have a deep longing to get it into a cleaner state by Candlemas/Imbolc. That said, I am enjoying a reconfiguration of some of its spaces. Here are two of them that I'm enjoying right now.

in memoriam

I used to be a chaplain. I am currently staying home full-time with our two children. It is good. It is what I have longed for. It is hard. It has taken me almost a whole year to really say good-bye to what was. The change was a welcome one. I could not figure out how to be in that position anymore. It was a lovely 9.5 years. A lovely place.

It was also becoming impossible for me to be myself there. I felt bitterness. I didn't feel enough creative energy to get along with people whom I didn't feel understood by. I need to process that here at Circle Squared, because I'm still hanging on. I still think about my former career when I awake and go to sleep. I think about what I want to say to my supervisor, who is not my supervisor anymore. I am having real difficulty letting go of that relationship. Or, rather, not the relationship itself, but what it symbolized for me.

In that relationship I felt deeply misunderstood. The person I had been at my workplace no longer fit in, because she evolved as I moved from full-time to part-time work, beginning in 2007. She was evolving before that. Don't we all?

My workplace changed, too. The culture changed in a way I can't put into words. I felt I had lost my voice.

That is okay. I speak on. I am okay. They're okay, too. And that's good to hear.

I was done a divine and human favor by being told "it's apply for full-time work here or leave."

I was let go. I chose to let go. The day I learned the change would be happening, this poem by Rilke came into my home email as part of the Gratefulness.org November 2009 newsletter. I owe that site a lot, because they've shaped me as a person over the last decade. Here is the poem.

Sonnets to Orpheus
Part Two, XII

Want change. Be inspired by the flame
where everything is alight as it disappears.
The artist, when sketching, loves nothing so much
as the curve of the body turning away.

What locks itself in sameness has congealed.
Is it safer to be gray and numb?
What turns hard becomes rigid
and is easily shattered.

Pour yourself out like a fountain.
Flow into the knowledge that what you are seeking
finishes often at the start, and, with ending, begins.

Every happiness is the child of a separation
it did not think it could survive. And Daphne, becoming a laurel,
dares you to become the wind.


Rainer Maria Rilke

I don't think I quite dare to become the wind yet, but I am pouring myself out like a fountain, flowing into the knowledge that what I am seeking finishes at the start and begins at the ending.

Anna has sky powers

Henry, Anna and the cousins are spending lots of time together this summer. Maybe it's reading Percy Jackson to Henry and the three of them playing a bit of that; maybe it's just the magic of childhood. How ever it came about, Anna, age one, has been given sky powers. According to her eldest cousin, here is how she is to turn daytime into night.

"Use your powers wisely, or else you could lose your powers. Use this power only at sunset.
Raise both Anna's hands while facing a window in which sunset can be seen.
From the light turn daytime into night!"

How to turn night into day

"Use this rhyme only at sunrise, while looking through a window where you can see the sunrise. Hold up Anna's hands and say the rhyme.
Make the light from the dark. Make the sky light just a spark!"

There's a piece of the day-to-night spell I couldn't read. I'll have to ask the spell-crafter to decode it for me.

reading week

Knowing that our every-day-some-schoolwork school year will soon be over, we principals of the Microlith School (the name Joel gave our school when we registered with the state of Kansas at the beginning of the year now that Henry is seven) have wanted to focus on reading a little more intentionally than we had in the recent past. We have called this week reading week and it has met with great success so far. Here is the first of five short stories Joel is writing for reading week. I guess we'll be putting these together to form what may become The Microlith Reader.

new life

This evening, while eating pigs-in-a-blanket (and some of the other creations I made with that quickie pizza dough I stirred up) with my family, I experienced a sudden feeling of happiness with my "new" life as an unemployed mother. The dishes have been staying washed for weeks, I'm chipping away at chores that have needed doing, I'm enjoying days at the park with homeschool friends and yard time and meals with dear neighbors. Though Henry would disagree some of the time, I think I'm generally a nice person to be with right now.

And then there was this little note from Thich Nhat Hanh (via Oprah's magazine) to me tucked away in his book (which I'm giving away) Living Buddha, Living Christ.

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar."

Oh yeah, my Buddhist mentor. Oh yeah.

There's a lot about my dearly-departed job that I'm missing: hanging around exceptional elders, the art of "getting things done," the many opportunities I had for singing-with, laughing-with, listening-to others, my weekly meditation given at Wednesday afternoon worship.

There's also a piece I'm not missing: working with others to figure out how to make ourselves look great while (IMHO) diverting some of our best energy away from the task of intentional, sustainable, compassionate living.

I worked for a lovely institution and I wish it and its dears well. Oh yes I do.

As I sort through my library (which I've been carrying like a giant bag of sorrows in both trunks of our cars for about a month and a half), these are some of the titles I'm keeping:

The Spiritual Life and Practical Mysticism by Evelyn Underhill
(That woman lived a great life).
Prayer, Fear, and Our Powers by Flora Slosson Wuellner
A Holy Longing by Ronald Rolheiser

...and lots of others. I am glad to release some of them, though, because I'm weighed down by too many books. Let go, let go, let go.

Here are some of the things I'm cherishing.